Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
