goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
