She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
