I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
