drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
