she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Randomize