I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
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