today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
