I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
