Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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