Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she peed on how many people?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
And then he peed in my hair
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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