We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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