First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
