I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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