Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
