Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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