Swine flu is the new snow day.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
