Well now I have my semen on her headphones
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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