That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
