remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
