College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
