Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
