i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
