literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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