you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My vagina is officially offended.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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