how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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