I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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