you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
