I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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