I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
