Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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