then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
