apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
