Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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