time to smoke my breakfast
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
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My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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