1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
