good thing vaginas are great cup holders
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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