you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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