I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
