i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
