last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
