You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
