I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
