Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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