you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
