He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
