i just sent this text using only my big toe
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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