party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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