this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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