I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
