omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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