The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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