girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Randomize
