I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
