im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I sprained my soul last night
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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