It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
