my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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