I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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