just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
