Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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